The 98 Stages of a Juice Cleanse From a First-Timer

Juice Cleanse. Hmmm.

Before I did one I thought it was a cop out way to lose weight, the effort would be laborious and expensive (the equipment isn’t cheap), and then there’s diarrhea…. would I have to buy adult diapers? Better yet, did I happen to have any of those super huge pads that the hospital sent home with me after birthing my latest? Now might be a time to use them.

Plus, I like food. It’s the reason I exercise. Could I even stand to drink liquids only all day?

I did. For only one entire day I solely drank juices provided by Evolve Paleo. In the process, I discovered that there are roughly 98 stages that come with a juice cleanse…bear with me.

  1. I saw someone talk about it on social media and I thought to myself “That looks intriguing”
  2. I saw someone else post about it. Must be a sign.
  3. I googled “juice cleanses”, it was too overwhelming so I went back to eating my cheeseburger.
  4. Bought a Naked Juice from the store and ate it for lunch as my “trial”.
  5. I’m still hungry after my Naked Juice.
  6. Saw an Instagram post about someone doing a juice cleanse.
  7. Fine, I’ll do it.
  8. Looked up purchasing a juicer.
  9. Experienced sticker shock.
  10. Tried looking on Craigslist for a used juicer.
  11. The listing looked too sketchy and they were asking for a wire transfer.  Pass.
  12. Looked up local juice places.
  13. Found a place that does cold-pressed juices and brought them home.
  14. Ate my “final meal” which included a huge Chipotle Burrito…extra cheese. And a side of chips and guac.
  15. Woke up and did stretches to mentally prepare only drinking juices.
  16. Second guessed my decision.
  17. Walked to the fridge to fetch a juice.
  18. Saw a cookie on the counter. Almost turned back again.
  19. Threw cookie away. Out of sight out of mind.
  20. Reached for the first juice.
  21. Drank it in 8 gulps.
  22. Thought to myself “This ain’t so bad.”
  23. Sat down on the couch and thought about how hungry I’ll feel later.
  24. Checked on Facebook to see if anyone else was doing a juice cleanse.
  25. No one. Stomach growls.
  26. Dug in the trash for that cookie.
  27. Realized I already committed with that first drink.
  28. Walked away from trash can.
  29. Drank a glass of water.
  30. Went to the restroom.
  31. Decided to run an errand to the grocery store as a distraction.
  32. Unloaded groceries which consisted of 5 bags of Kettle chips.
  33. Can’t wait to smash on those the next day.
  34. Thinks people should realize the dangers of grocery shopping hungry
  35. More water.
  36. More restroom.
  37. (15 minutes goes by) Restroom again.
  38. Recalls only ever having to pee this much during full term pregnancy.
  39. Prepares lunch for kids.
  40. Stares longingly at Mac N Cheese and Gogo Squeezee Apple sauce.
  41. Regains composure, continues to feed children.
  42. Children don’t finish their food.
  43. Instinctively reaches for their leftovers.
  44. Slaps own hand.
  45. Regains composure.
  46. Puts food away and carries on with day.
  47. Restroom break.
  48. Drinks second juice.
  49. More water.
  50. Restroom, yet again.
  51. Thinks to self “That feeling of starvation suddenly isn’t there”
  52. Restroom again.
  53. Questions whether running errands is in order again.
  54. Does place of errand have a restroom?
  55. Restroom before we leave.
  56. Thinks a Target run will be a nice distraction.
  57. Walks to Target with no goal in mind except to wander.
  58. Uses Target Restroom.
  59. Picks up a few things.
  60. Those few things turn out to be the same price of buying a new juicer.
  61. Sorry, Tommy.
  62. Returns home and unloads purchases.
  63. Drinks third juice. Realizes beets don’t taste so terrible. #thanksdwightshcrute
  64. Restroom.
  65. Give kids a snack.
  66. Looks at the kids GoldFish crackers, but this time, with a sense of victory.
  67. Drinks more water.
  68. Feeling surprisingly content and not hungry and it’s already 4 pm.
  69. More water.
  70. Restroom for the millionth time.
  71. Replaces toilet paper.
  72. Starts to work on getting dinner ready.
  73. Barbacoa Tacos- the mind is stronger than the body.
  74. Repeats this mantra over and over again.
  75. Lays out dinner for the family.
  76. Stares at everyone’s plate and cracks open fourth juice.
  77. More water. Still feeling content.
  78. Get kids ready for bed with baths.
  79. Hunger starts to set in.
  80. Puts kids to bed.
  81. Looks at clock ticking slowly…very slowly.
  82. Drinks fifth juice.
  83. Feeling slightly discontent.
  84. Starts having irrational thoughts.
  85. “Would I take candy from a baby?” At this point, I would.
  86. I wonder if that cookie in the trash is still good.
  87. If I don’t go to sleep now, I’m going to make a bad decision.
  88. Contemplates going to Taco Bell.
  89. Recalls previous experience. *shudders*
  90. Restroom.
  91. More Water.
  92. Gets ready for bed.
  93. Drinks sixth and final juice.
  94. Relief, hunger, and tiredness all at once.
  95. Goes to sleep.
  96. Wakes up.
  97. Relief.
  98. No adult diaper required.

Whew! While I’m glad it’s over, I am happy that it happened. It taught me discipline towards food-I think many times we eat out of boredom or we overeat because we eat too fast. *points finger at self*

The day after my juice cleanse, I resumed eating as I normally did but I felt a greater sense of control over food and hunger. My stomach and gut felt amazing! Juice cleanses will not be a quick fix to weight loss, but as many others have said, it was a good way to “reset”.

If you’re about to make major changes in your eating (whole 30, cut out carbs, start a paleo diet, go vegan or vegetarian) then I would highly recommend you start with a juice cleanse.

One more thing! Evolve Paleo said they would offer FREE juice sampling to anyone who comes in and mentions the Light Passing Through Blog. Furthermore, if you decide to do a juice cleanse they will also throw in 2 FREE Chakra Juices on top of it. Offer good at both Omaha locations until September 13th.


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